This last week was hard and wonderful and exhausting and energizing. I felt the need to write about it…in a way of trying to put all of the last year behind me and moving on. Tumblr seemed like the place to put it since it’s not something many people read, but hey…I thought maybe it might help someone and I really think it’ll help me.
It’s been a struggle, no doubt. The month of May has always been the hardest month of the year for me because it is the anniversary of my mom passing away followed right by Mother’s Day. It’s always been kind of a kick to the gut having those things so closely linked. When the Marathon bombing happened last year and me being so close to it, it just kind of opened up the window of that month of suck to add in the month of April.
Sometimes I think tragedy and hard times brings out great things and gives people gifts that may not have actualized without it. That is such a wonderful sentiment and I wish that was my story. I can’t say I am better off a year later than I was this time last year. I am much more fragile and unsure of myself and the world than I was a year ago. My confidence and faith is so easily shaken and shattered. If I am being completely honest…and I’ve decided to be with myself and with the world…I’ve been desperately depressed and often suicidal at times in the last year. I’ve felt alone and felt that things would just be easier if it was all over. My brain fights that feeling always and consistently, but it’s there and it’s scary.
I was out and about in Boston on Sunday before the Marathon. I decided to go to the Expo and then head to the finish line to spend some time there. I was feeling pretty broken and sad and alone as I walked down Boylston towards the Pru. Then, I had a really wonderful gift fall upon me. First, I got the chance to meet, talk to and have Carlos Arredondo give me a blessing. Knowing his story and what he went through, it gave me such hope and light to trudge through and work so hard to get to the other side. I’m amazed by him and his kindness and spirit. I also know that he has been through the worst and been suicidal himself…and now he is someone who inspires others.
The second thing that happened is that the guy from the Herald asked if he could interview me for a few minutes. My comments made the cutting room floor and for many reasons I am happy about that, but it was helpful to talk about the Marathon and what the year in between has been like. We talked about how those who saw and heard and smelled the bomb, but that you weren’t hurt physically kind of feel invisible in all of this. It’s hard to look fine, look okay, but not feel fine or feel okay. I walked away from Boston and down the finish line area feeling really hopeful. I committed in my heart and in my mind to not turn into myself anymore…and to reach out to those who love and support me. I know that my life won’t be the same anymore and that I’ll carry this somber month with me, but I also know that I have to work hard on and find my peace.
And to make a long story…only slightly shorter, this Marathon Monday was wonderful. I got smiles and hugs from people who I know love me. I felt loved and supported. Sure, I still felt the loss and sadness and was reminded of it from time to time…sometimes in heartbreaking ways, but that isn’t the feeling that carried over. I cheered at the Sox game. I cheered as the showed recaps of the Marathon. I had friends standing by my side so I knew I would be okay and be filled with joy. I went down and cheered my arse off for those runners and then stayed and cheered those who were in the end of the pack…who were hurting, but kept on putting one foot after the other. See…you can hurt and still put one foot after the other. It’s a joyous thing.
So, I am here a year later and that is something I celebrate. I am thankful for those who have been with me and cheered for me and loved me, even when I made it hard. I love those more than they know. I’m still in the middle of it, but now at least I know I am fighting my way out.
Hugs and healing thoughts to everyone. Much love.
Hi All! It’s that time again where I am asking anyone and everyone to donate to the Run to Home Base Program. I am proudly running the race again and am hoping to raise $1000. All the money raised goes to fund services for those coming back from war with PTSD and TBIs. I could not be prouder to be raising money for this worthy cause. The race is on July 19th, so if you are in the Boston area come on down and cheer us all on!
Some pictures from the scene when the bomb went off. Thankful that I am safe and my thoughts and prayers go out to all those who lost their lives today.
It’s that time again….Lent! I know everything thinks that only Catholics give up things for Lent, but tis not true….I’m a Methodist and I’ve been giving up things for Lent since I’ve been a wee bit.
I enjoy the Lenten time….giving up things helps me focus…and let’s face it, is also helps my diet. I do like that it shows my ability to stay committed to something for 40 days and 40 nights.
So, what am I giving up?
1. Pizza and candy. These things have been my staples for Lent…for probably 10 years. I used to do it because I could never usually last even a month without eating pizza….so I basically used Lent to help me not stuff my face with pizza. I also pick candy because those soul sucking stores start putting Easter candy out well before Easter…and I have a Cadbury Mini Egg problem. It made it easier for me to not eat my body weight in those suckers. These days….I just give it up out of tradition….since I haven’t eaten pizza and candy in about 6 weeks anyways….so it’s not such the sacrifice it used to be.
2. As a result of the above….I plan on giving up about 10 lbs from my booty at the end of Lent. I’ll basically be at my weight loss goal if I do that.
3. I also like to focus on something more spiritual and positive when it comes to Lent as well. So this year I am committing to doing at least one random act of kindness each week of Lent. I want to look for opportunities to be the best kind of person I can be.
So that’s what I’m doing for Lent. Giving up or doing anything???